Unburdening and Transforming Judgement

  I was so agitated with myself last week, obsessively studying what I was interpreting as spiritual bypassing and what I called forward, brought attention to with a particular community I am presently engaged with. I often feel rage and judgement when it comes to what I am interpreting as spiritual bypassing. I feel a belly full of anger when there is an imbalance between ultimate and relative reality. I was tired of my own interpretations re: folks deep in the throes of spiritually dodging issues that are real and alive and down pressing masses of people, communities, families, the very earth that breaths us!

After rage and judgement comes guilt and self-recrimination. Damn so many shadow parts blending inside me. I am learning to meet them at the door, just as Rumi’s Guest House has taught me; meet them at the door smiling, invite them in they are here to teach you.

Last week I felt down on myself, and the internal dialogue went like this “who the hell do you think you are?” “You are so self-righteous! You need to turn all that judgement into curiosity and wonder! Stop judging. Stop obsessively believing everything you think. You need to get rid of this judgy part. She is not serving you.   

And then another part saying who the fuck cares what people think of you, when you call forward compassionately/mindfully the thing! The thing being spiritually bypassing! Anyho I was not feeling very compassionate; getting tangled up in all kinda stories and interpretations and judgements about people I don’t even know.

I found myself chanting a bodhisattva vow, “Delusions are inexhaustible I vow to transform them.” And then this happened: At the end of a 45 minute meditation practice I was so sick of myself obsessively moving through judgement then self-flagellation then guilt then shame. All these parts arriving to mess up my morning meditation. I kept dissing my judgement part trying to get rid of her cause she was causing all the other parts to arrive and it was getting way too crowded on the cushion. Before I got up I pulled a tarot card from a large deck and there she was! Judgement. Holy shit! Are you fucking serious! I braced myself for some deep wisdom i.e. how to turn judgement into curiosity, be more compassionate less insensitive. And then that card gave me another piece of wisdom I wasn’t expecting: an unapologetic judgement! Judgement associated with justice! Judgement as a path to building next world order; judgement as a path to liberation for all; my own inexhaustible delusion transformed! I recognized in that moment the ever present polarity of meaning and the necessity to hold both skillfully, mindfully, compassionately.  

Don’t get rid of she I thought, she is there for a reason! Turn foe into friend. She is there to teach you to stand up and take a stand and speak your truth (while also taking responsibility for your truth). Breath her in! That same day I received another piece while reading Gabor Mate’s “The Myth of Normal,” a part he named his loyal soldier! And right away I thought yes she’s my loyal soldier! And she can be rude, and pesky and pious and I also know her to be kind and tender and skillful and compassionate! And she’s mine and I love her and I will find a way to unburden and integrate her more tenderly into all the other parts living within!

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