I was going to write about learnings from my planter’s fasciitis but then Opi, our dog begging at the door. He don’t understand I’m wearing running shoes cause of my planters fucking fas#@$%## (will I ever be able to say this word) not because we going for a walk. Feelings of guilt not being able to walk with him; those sad eyes as he rolls up into a ball of disappointment.
Feeling responsible for other beings’ moods seems to be a running theme in my life; as well as feelings of responsibility for others’ perceptions, judgements, assumptions, experiences of me (my stuff/my shadow work).
Damn. I wanted this piece to be about my planters fucking fas#@$%## but its now turned into this recurring theme of responsibility, responsibility for other’s feelings and emotions and experiences of me. I imagine this is a recurring theme for many of us. I am presently reading Miriam Toews, Fight Night (Miriam you’ve done it again! I adore your works) a novel all about that! The main character and narrator, Swiv, a small youth taking care/responsible for her grandmother, mother and even her unborn sibling, Gord whose still in her mother’s belly.
I am almost finished reading this glorious novel and wondering how Swiv will land with all of this in her older years ie.being responsible for taking care of the elders in her life; responsible for their emotions, moods, well-being (something that feels familiar to my own childhood). The difference perhaps with Swiv, she is surrounded by adults who are truth telling, who don’t hold back realness; she is surrounded by the kinda love that is full of joy, sorrow, unimaginable loss, pain, breakdowns and celebrations. Swiv (not like many of us) will not be soothed by hours and hours behind TV screens, or gifts of shiny new toys, or holidays of escape, or untold truths to palliate pain, or new up to date contraptions, technologies. Swiv experiences life, sorrow and joy and madness and embarrassment, and delight and long deep hugs and sorry’s and fuck ups and rawness and accountability/transparency. I imagine she will do ok because of the realness, because she is dancing amongst the living and the dying and there seems to be not much fronting or posturing or keeping of secrets. A realness I believe kids can handle once parents/adults are able to show up real and raw, with love, affection, humility and presence. Thank you Miriam Toews for showing up, over and over showing up in your writing!